"I have issues" ....what does this mean??

DesiGal
I am 30 and I have been divorced for 2 years. I promised myself that I would never ever get involved with another man because of all the heartache and pain I went thru in my 6 years of marriage. Then I met this really nice guy at work. We come from two different ethnic and cultural backgrounds. He is American and I am not. We work in two completely different teams and professionally, our paths will never cross each other, so I decided to give it a try because I would never want to date someone at work.I have known him for 3 months now. He is caring, honest and open. I was immediately drawn to him mainly because of his personality. He is very smart & intelligent and to top it all, he is extremely good looking!! I learnt that he is separated and is going thru a divorce. We have had lunch a few times and went out for dinner last Friday. We both had a great time and I laughed so much, I had even forgotten I could laugh like that!! I can barely breathe when I am with him........and go weak in my knees. I can see that he feels the same way. I am very conservative when it comes to relationships, so for the first time, after dinner on Friday, he gave me a little kiss on my lips.....it was more like a peck and I was dizzy the whole weekend and still am :-)We saw each other yesterday for a few minutes and during the conversation, he said he had a great time on Friday. Then, out of the blue, he mentioned that he has to see his doctor sometime this week. I casually asked for what and he said he has "issues" and he has been seeing a psychiatrist for a long time and has been taking medication for many years for anxiety, depression,etc. He's mentioned the doctor thing in the past too, but I had never asked. I have never had any emotional issues nor do I have friends who have seen a psycologist or a psychiatrist. So, I am kind of lost. How bad can this be? Should I see this as a red flag?? And why does he keep telling me this?? In retrospect, when I think about this, I have seen that he sometimes seems very distant and lost in between conversations .... I maybe totally wrong.I REALLY like this guy but at the same time, it took me forever to get out of one relationship and I am just beginning to enjoy my life. Should I stay out of this?? I AM SO LOST & CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!! Please help....Thanks :-)

Unlikely Unicorn
DesiGal, I wouldn't rule him out yet until you've had an opportunity to get to know him better. His behavior will tell the tale in the end. Just because he takes medication for anxiety and depression, it doesn't mean he's crazy. And there are not many people who have survived divorce without having a few "issues." Most of us have some baggage left over, and I doubt you are exempt from that as you have mentioned all the pain you experienced with your own marriage. It sounds like he recognizes the need for help as he admits he sees a psychiatrist. Once you've gotten to know him better, if it seems like his problems are more than you can accept, then cut him loose. Just remember you cannot "fix" him.

DesiGal
I agree with you and I take back my initial statement that I do not have any emotional issues. I know I do.....but have never had to see a therapist or psycologist because I am very close to my parents and my sisters, so I share everything with them and they are always there to support me. That is probably the only reason I have not had a need to see a therapist.Thanks for your comments.

Unlikely Unicorn
You know, I saw a psychiatrist and a therapist for several months a few years ago when I was getting over a soured relationship. In all that time, the therapist didn't tell me a single thing I didn't already know, but it was such a relief to have someone to talk to because I was not able to share my problems with my family or friends and had no other support system. I am a very well adjusted adult now and no longer feel the need for therapy, but I certainly respect how helpful it can be when dealing with problems bigger than most of us can handle alone.

Guuuut
Maybe his current relationship has created a need for medication and therapy. You know, wives can and do drive men "crazy"! All those anxieties, all that angst, those demands, the nagging, the lack of s.ex, yep, I think medication is the way to go!If it is going well so far let it play out. What do you have to lose?

kerplunkLYN
I have never had any emotional issues nor do I have friends who have seen a psycologist or a psychiatrist. My bullsh.it meter is in full effect! In all that time, the therapist didn't tell me a single thing I didn't already knowDitto that. It's not the awareness of the problem, it's more of how to fix it, which besides medication, therapists do very little. All in all, I had a good relationship with my therapist, because she allowed me an hour a week to vent - the good, the bad, the things my friends and family were OVER hearing -- so basically, I paid her for an hour of guilt free emotional venting. That was all.

Happy as ever
When someone goes through the trama of separation and divorce it can pull up all deep rooted, past pains from the past, such as perhaps a bad childhood where the child just buried all the hurts and pains as it was easier then to do that and not deal with it. But those hurts and pains are in you until you pull them out and deal with them. So perhaps all that has resurfaced as a result of this trigger of the current separation and divorce. I myself, am going through just that. He may have just been told about the issues he has in therapy and that's why he's even mentioned it. it is very shocking and painful to pull up the passed, when it is the passed and just deal with it. Doesn't make him a bad person and he is working on himself. Don't throw in the towel.......it's a great sign that he is trying to find peace and happiness within himsel, through therapy. I AM TOO.

Oh Kay
How bad can this be? Should I see this as a red flag?? And why does he keep telling me this??Yes, you should. Not because he has some "issues" but because he's had them for years, because he's been on medication for years, and I'll tell you why. I've known several people like this, like the creep I dated that wouldn't get out of bed for days (the days he wasn't smoking crack with his friends) or my friend who is married to a woman like this who takes 4 xanax & 2 prozac a day. Yes, people who have issues need love too, and I'm not saying you should stop dating him. What I am saying is sometimes you find these people who love to be sick. They love the attention, they love the medication & you end up with someone who barely functions as a human & makes you feel guilty when, after awhile, you get sick of their whining & want them to pull themselves up by their boot straps. I'm not saying he's going to do this, but I'd watch him. It's really all about what his "issues" are and what he expects from anyone else regarding those issues. It can be something he's truly working on getting past, or it can be something he's never going to get past & is going to expect you to make all kinds of concessions for. BUT, you won't know until you try. Just my two cents.

Kendra_is_Kendra
she allowed me an hour a week to vent - the good, the bad, the things my friends and family were OVER hearing -- so basically, I paid her for an hour of guilt free emotional venting. That was all. Here here!I was lucky, I got my therapy free through work, which was the only thing that finally got me to go. But wow, just the venting and talking and being heard and healing that comes out of it. Dude helped me cut my dad out of my life. Best thing ever.There is nothing wrong with going to therapy. Much better to have issues and go than to have issues and not go.But all the same, be alert. Over time you'll see what those issues actually are and if you can live with them. It's too soon to tell and since things are so much fun for you, why quit at this point?

FNW
Should I see this as a red flag?? Yes, a big one. While there is nothing wrong with receiving therapy, he's had these issues for a long time, they are still unresolved, and he's receiving medication for it. Ask yourself whether you area really able to handle the rollercoaster ride he will most likely give you. Apparently his wife could not, because they're going through a divorce. Really, this all sounds like too much drama....middle of a divorce, therapy, medication, different ethnic background. After being hurt, terribly, ask yourself why you keep chosing men who are not good for you. I'm seeing another pattern starting here.

Oh Kay
I was lucky, I got my therapy free through work, which was the only thing that finally got me to go. But wow, just the venting and talking and being heard and healing that comes out of it. Dude helped me cut my dad out of my life. Best thing ever.I got mine from County Mental Health services usually. I couldn't afford much more than that. But you're right, just getting some stuff out with someone that can help you to put it in perspective. One of my favorite counselors was one I didn't particularly care for as a person, but that had excellent insight....and was the one who knew EMDR & that was my healing point. I'll always be thankful to her.

Guuuut
Damn, I have no current issues and now I feel left out. I am staying near a Holiday Inn Express, maybe that's the trick. Just a little midlife crisis at the moment, but nothing a hot 23 yo and a sports car can't cure. Do you think insurance covers this treatment? For major issues I would to treat them as any good male would; a little Jim Beam, a little withdrawal, and a little infidelity.

DesiGal
You guys are the best!! Thank you so much for the comments/feedback. I truly appreciate it.As for FNW's question as to why I keep choosing the wrong men.....I did not choose the first one. It was an arranged marriage and we knew each other for less than 2 weeks when we were married. So when I left him, I told myself that I would never ever date/marry anyone again, especially someone from my ethnicity .....because that is where we had a lot of issues. He wanted someone who is very traditional and I am not. So, when I met this guy at work, I saw how different he is from my Ex and when I think about it, the fact that we are from different ethnic backgrounds is the thing I liked the most.I agree with you all......the first thing when someone has problems is to recognize the fact that you have problems, which he has done and is working on them. And he did not hide this from me, which is why I respect him so much. But again, as FNW mentioned, I am really not ready for an emotional rollercoaster ride with this guy. I went thru this for 6 years in my earlier relationship and this is way too much for me to handle given the fact that I have a job where I put in 50+ hrs a week and I also have a 5 year old child who is a huge part of my life. I think I will just take things slow and learn more about him.

FNW
Sounds good, Desi. Sorry to hear about your prior heartache. But try not to close yourself up to love in the future. Just try to keep a level head and not "settle" for the first guy who makes you laugh, if the laughs are outweighed by tears and confusion.

Oh Kay
I think I will just take things slow and learn more about him. I think that's the best approach. You just never know, either way.

Que_Sera_118
Desi, I have been taking anti-depression/anixety meds for about 5 years now. Before that, I suffered from depression. I could go to work, school, etc but I was never really happy and therapy did nothing. Medication worked wonders for me, and now i go once every few months for a refill and an update on how my meds are working. I don't think I have "issues", I have a medical condition that I'm being treated for. The thing is, sometimes people do judge me based on the fact that I'm taking medication, so its not something I announce right away. I have a good job, I'm close with my family, I'm dating, I'm not unstable or crazy, and I don't think men I date feel like I put them on an "emotional rollercoaster". If this is the ONLY thing about this guy you're hesitant about and his behavior has given you no red flags, I wouldn't be too concerned.

kerplunkLYN
I don't think I have "issues", I have a medical condition that I'm being treated for. The thing is, sometimes people do judge me based on the fact that I'm taking medication, so its not something I announce right away. Thank you Sera! The thing about depression and these sorts of mental disorders is that everyone deals differently. Some respond best to medicine, some to therapy, some to a combination of both. For myself, I happen to be doing the best with none of the above and just working towards doing things for myself to better myself.

Oh Kay
I don't think I have "issues", I have a medical condition that I'm being treated for.Well according to the OP he SAID he has "issues", that would've been my first red flag, of course, it depends on whether he said it with a chuckle or not. He also said that he's been taking medication for years. The fact that he said all of that, and the way I perceive him to have said it, makes me think that: 1. He wants her to ask about it so he can pour his heart out.2. He is going to use them later when she has issues with his "issues".3. He doesn't see them as a medical condition, but as damage or some kind of wrong done to him. Like you said, and I said, it could be nothing. He might've just said it kind of casually, but him throwing in the "taking of medication for years" with it, makes me think otherwise. I think she should do exactly what she said she was going to do & take it slowly.

Unlikely Unicorn
I agree. It really depends on what exactly are his issues. I'd definitely be more cautious, but I wouldn't pull the plug just yet.

kerplunkLYN
him throwing in the "taking of medication for years" with itI think that's unfair. If he had been taking medication for any other disorder, no one would question it. Depression IS a medical disorder and some people need medication to balance serotonin levels in the brain. I guess I'm sensitive to this topic. I am very open with what I've been through, and I hate when people judge others for it. Besides, don't we all have issues? I don't really know anyone who doesn't.

PNW_Woman
Nobody's perfectly mentally strong and never needing medication and/or therapy. I realize that in certain cultures popping "feel good" pills and seeing a therapist has a bad connotation. I had an East Indian gynocologist at one time, and that was the time when I had a few bouts of panic attacks for three or four days at a time since my job was too stressful as well as my relationship with my family. When these attack would happen, I would ponder about suicide at around the third day, since the anxiety was so intense that I didn't want to live like this. But then the anxiety would wear off and then I was shocked at myself for considering such a heinous act. I told my gynocologist about this, but left out the thoughts about suicide. She immediately became concerned and referred me to a psychiatrist. She thanked me for mentioning my panic attacks to her, and told me that back in India (and many other countries) people just put a lid on top of their mental problems, and then these mental problems just keep on progressing until nothing can be hidden anymore. So I don't care what other people think of me, how they judge me - I just want to live a normal life, and if I need to take pills or see a psychiatrist for this, so be it.

Oh Kay
I think that's unfair. If he had been taking medication for any other disorder, no one would question it. Depression IS a medical disorder and some people need medication to balance serotonin levels in the brain. I think, and this is my opinion and always has been, that it's very rare that someone NEEDS to take these kinds of drugs long term. I think that the instance of depression being an actual medical disorder is also very rare. Dr's & pill companies love us to think that we're ill so they can prescribe more meds. I know that some people DO need them, I just don't think it's the 1/2 a million people that are on them (or whatever the statistics are). It's a crutch, just like drinking, smoking and drug use is.

DesiGal
I sometimes tend to think on the same lines as Kay1959 that maybe it is not necessary to be on such drugs long term only because I fear what long-term effects these drugs have on the brain and body. Maybe .....just maybe you can better handle these issues by having friends/partners who understand you better?? and by finding alternate treatments?? I dont want to sound like Tom Cruise either :-) But since I have not been in that situation, I cannot really put myself in his shoes. In response to Kay's questions: 1. He wants her to ask about it so he can pour his heart out.I think this is what he was hoping for......but I thought it might be rude for me to ask him questions, so did not. Next time I see him, I may bring it up in a subtle way and see if he wants to talk. 2. He is going to use them later when she has issues with his "issues".This is exactly what I am afraid of. He can always say...I TOLD YOU IN THE VERY BEGINNING THAT I HAVE ISSUES!!!! So I cannot hold him responsible for anything he does. 3. He doesn't see them as a medical condition, but as damage or some kind of wrong done to him.He definitely sees it as a medical condition. He does not blame it on anyone. He says it is something he has realized that medications help him with, so he will continue to take them. Oh....and one thing he clearly said was that he has been taking medication for ADHD as well. What I dont understand is......he works in a job that requires him to be very focused and creative. He is extremely smart!! Can someone this smart and intelligent have ADHD?? He apparently does because he is taking the medication :-( I have been reading up on it for the last 2 days so I can understand him and his feeling better. If I think of my EX, he probably needed to be on all these medications too and definitely needs therapy. But he always said he knows more than any psycologist, so would not pay to see one!!!! So, I guess I have already lived with one extreme case for a long time!! Not sure if I want to get into another such relationship.Where are all the DECENT NORMAL guys?????????????????? Are they all taken??

kerplunkLYN
I know that some people DO need them, I just don't think it's the 1/2 a million people that are on them (or whatever the statistics are). It's a crutch, just like drinking, smoking and drug use is. Kay, you're right. I think that many doctors are quick to put a bandaid on brief bouts of depression and suggest a pill as a way out. And, many people are eager to do just that. Very little effort on their part. Yet, I know first hand, specifically my sister, who turns into a different person without her meds. I don't think it's fair to assume that just because they are given out so easily, that this specific person doesn't have a problem.

PNW_Woman
Well, at least you found out about this new guy early enough before you got too involved. If you really like him, then you may date him for a while and see how things go. If things don't go well, then you can always stop dating him, regardless of the "I did tell you that I had problems from the beginning" excuse he may throw at you. Just say, "Well, I realize that this is not working out for me, and I need to move on." Of course, there's a danger that you may get too emotionally involved and won't want to stop dating him so easily, but then that's the risk we all take in life. I do feel, that from all you said about him, he's not a good prospect for you right now, with the upcoming divorce, the medication, treatments, etc. I don't see this as a potential strong, long term relationship happening. But it's too early now to tell...

Oh Kay
Yet, I know first hand, specifically my sister, who turns into a different person without her meds. I don't think it's fair to assume that just because they are given out so easily, that this specific person doesn't have a problem.I didn't say that he did. What I said is that the way he said it would send up red flags for me. I've seen the "poor, poor medicated me" types way too often. I had a friend who took drugs for years for her anxiety....defended it to no end, oh how she needed them. Until she got off of them, on her own, and discovered she didn't. I told the OP that I thought she should go ahead & go out with the guy & see how it turns out. Most people don't discuss their "issues" & medications that quickly unless they feel it's some kind of badge that reads, "I'm damaged, love me".

kerplunkLYN
Can someone this smart and intelligent have ADHD?? Yes. Wow. Maybe you should do some research. Actually, people with a lot of mental illnesses from depression to panic disorder to bipolar disorder are highly intelligent and creative.

Oh Kay
Can someone this smart and intelligent have ADHD?? He apparently does because he is taking the medication :-( Absolultely. I think that some of the smartest people have troubles focussing, they get too much input at once (which is why they are so smart, they notice EVERYTHING) and have trouble sorting through & prioritizing it. That's why the medications help.

kerplunkLYN
Most people don't discuss their "issues" & medications that quickly unless they feel it's some kind of badge that reads, "I'm damaged, love me". I guess I do. It's not "I'm damaged, love me." It's more a matter of fact. And, I guess I allow people to leave early on if they can't handle it. I'd rather someone who understood, than was quick to judge. I can hide it, but the truth of the situation is I have difficulty traveling and that is a deal breaker for people and I understand that.

mike_a
I have difficulty travelingbut you can overcome your problems and you have

pinstripe
Actually, people with a lot of mental illnesses from depression to panic disorder to bipolar disorder are highly intelligent and creative. This is true, a lot of the people I know who are riddled with these kinds of disorders/diseases primarily depression are highly intelligent and creative but they feel that no one understands them, and as a result, as Kay mentioned they may use these medications as a crutch when in reality all they probably need is some really good therapy without the pills. This may not be the case with the OP's guy, but she definitely needs to keep a close ey, and keep her ears open for anymore info he is willing to dish about this.

kerplunkLYN
I don't think I've overcome yet. But I'm working on it and doing much, much better. When I get on that plane to Canada, THEN I will have overcome!

Oh Kay
I can hide it, but the truth of the situation is I have difficulty traveling and that is a deal breaker for people and I understand that.First of all, if that's a deal breaker for people, who needs them? Second of all, there are medications you can take WHEN you travel. I don't even know why that would be an issue and I certainly don't think that's something I'd tell someone in the first week of meeting them. The person who I spoke of who was so proud of her medications drank like a fish. I told her maybe if she put down the bottle & got up she might not feel so anxious all the time. She also had trouble traveling, would take pills & drink at the same time. I often wondered why she didn't take a pill, read a magazine or listen to a headset, and lay off the alcohol for awhile.

b lunted
much desi luv, desiGirl

kerplunkLYN
Alcohol is seriously a nightmare when it comes to panic and anxiety. It temporarily makes you less anxious, but the aftermath is much worse...which leads to more drinking to relieve the anxiety...and it's a viscious cycle. Same for depression. Fun fact about alcoholics: On average, their IQs are higher than the general population.

Oh Kay
It temporarily makes you less anxious, but the aftermath is much worse...which leads to more drinking to relieve the anxiety...and it's a viscious cycle. Same for depression.Exactly. Been there, done that, have the tear stained tee shirt. I know that if I drink too much, especially on a night before work, the next day I have trouble handling anything. Fun fact about alcoholics: On average, their IQs are higher than the general population.I knew that too!