"Men like the chase...."

Happy-At-Last
I keep hearing this over and over again on these message boards. Is this true only in the case of Single....never married men or even for those men in their 30s or 40s who are divorced/widowed and with children??The reason I ask is because I have been divorced for a couple of years now and have a child. I have never "dated" as such and would definitely like to......but with a child, a career and other things I have going on, I dont think I have the time to "play games" with guys if that is what all of them want!! I would only want to date men who are divorced / separated / widowed and with kids.If I go out with someone and I end up liking that person and feel like spending more time with him, should I be honest and tell him that or should I act like I am hard to get?? I dont think I am interested in a marriage, but would like to have a relationship where you can relate to each other and relax in each other's company.Is there ever a "right time" to start dating?? Any advice???????

ctsketch
Generalizations are never always true.... I found someone i'm happy with and quite content for years now.

Kendra_is_Kendra
should I be honest and tell him that or should I act like I am hard to get??Playing hard to get means hiding your true feelings and making someone chase you. That is not something many men do not appreciate. A real chase, yes. Men do like that. And let me define what I consider a real chase as oposed to a fake chase.They want a woman who has her own life, and who he has to "chase" her to be a part of it. Not humiliating himself or anything stupid, but asking her out and going out of his way for her in hopes she will want to get to know him, and like him, and blah blah blah.A fake chase is turning him down when you're free, pretending to be busy and other not genuine behaviours designed to make him try even harder.The point is this chase business has more to do with finding a woman who is not desperate, a woman who is not so needy for attention that's she always calling and begging you to come around. Everyone likes to feel special and when someone is so clearly desperate for love, it doesn't mean you are special when they want you, it means you're there.The "chase" means the man has his girlfriend because she was genuinely attracted to him and he was good to her, so she wanted to date him. He feels special because he has her because he's a good guy and not because she's lonely-- and thus appreciates her because she wouldn't date just any old guy.So do you play hard to get? Why bother? You're busy, you have a life, and you want someone special in it. When you find someone special, it's perfectly fine to tell him you enjoy his company and you're having fun. It's exactly right to go out with him when you are free to do so and be flexible about it, as much as you're able to. Re-think this "hard to get" stuff and instead strive being not "easy to get." There's a difference, right? If you're not easy to get, that just means you're only holding out for an attraction and some kind treatment and rejecting men you don't feel anything for or who treat you poorly. Nothing wrong with that.

Pershing Rifle
Hmmmm Chasing for most of the men I know, nah thats just wasting time. Personally the best way is to treat someone the same way you'd like to be treated. If you like chasing, then have at it, but if you like straight to the point beginnings then just be direct with it. Especially if you're looking for divorced, seperated, widowed, people they may have busy lives and not have time for the "chasing" part.

FairyMagic_29
I think it's all a big lie everyone to a certain extent likes the chase not just men!

pianoguy
Most men enjoy the attention from a woman...providing it's genuine. But how much chasing we choose to do varies in each of us...depending upon persistancy and aggressiveness. One thing though. If a woman ends up misrepresenting herself after we've "caught her"---we'll drop her like a hot potato! Pianoguy

sabs83
I second Kendra.

sabs83
Also, it's too much work being fake. Just be yourself and the rest will fall into place.

FNW
I third what Kendra says. Just have a fulfilling life and don't "settle" for just anyone.

quickblade14
What a man wants - partnership or just dating - is not determined by what you do or don't do, or any "act" you put on. A person knows if they're dating for fun/sex/in the moment enjoyment or to find a lifepartner - before they ever meet you.

kerplunkLYN
I think all questions should be directed towards kendra. i feel like once she's responded there is no need for anyone else to!

Guuuut
Hmm, a Miss Kendra board, your dating dilemmas unraveled

Happy-At-Last
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I know....I can't believe Kendra is only 24!! Where does she get all this knowledge from?? I wish I were half as smart as her regarding relationships when I was her age

kerplunkLYN
We all want to be Kendra!!

quickblade14
Some people do like "the chase" - they might or might not stick around once they've caught the prey.I think it's more about if you're set up as a free buffet trying to get business.....people don't return once they must pay to have what was once for free. That's putting a value on yourself...and if you've valued you as "free" - then the association is "I am paying for what is for free, how dumb am I?"

johnstavros
Let me put my two-cents in this, however, I believe that we live in aworld which, unfortunately, is devoid of "basic principles" of humandignity and behavior. Most people, not ALL, use any ploy available toinduce, coerce, or convince their object of affection that they are theones, and no one else. And once the "other" party has fallen to theireloquence, sincerity, innocence and other faked feelings, the new "person" emerges, totally opposite from what they were before.How does one avoid such confontations?I think it is difficult particularly when one is engaged in dialogs like this which evenually might lead to an actual real encounter. So what is the answer? Just BE CAREFUL!

kerplunkLYN
Most people, not ALL, use any ploy available toinduce, coerce, or convince their object of affection that they are theones, and no one else. And once the "other" party has fallen to theireloquence, sincerity, innocence and other faked feelings, the new "person" emerges, totally opposite from what they were before.I would say MOST people do NOT do this, in my experience.

orvilleoverall
Being a man who's early 50s and a widower with a son I have to throw my two cents in on this topic. Between work and getting home, making dinner, helping my son with homework and doing all the usual household stuff, I have little time during the week to even think about chasing a woman. Getting a 30-45 minute conversation in with a woman I'm trying to get a relationship with is difficult to arrange. After all, she has her own life, whether she's has kids or not. A chase is fun but honestly, playing phone/email/texting/Im games are a little annoying. I do put in a good effort but if I think it's going nowhere I definitely will pull off the road and give up the chase. I started dating a woman back in June and after 7 dates she decided I was not the "one". She gave me the "let's be friends" line and couldn't understand why I objected to this idea. I just don't have the time or the desire to be a platonic friend.

Happy-At-Last
Orville.....I agree with you and I had seen that thread you had posted. I am 30 but still have the same challenges as you do. Between my work, taking care of the household chores and tending to my 4 year old, there is hardly any time for anything else. The only time I have available are those few nights when my son is with his dad and I can imagine how busy your life is since you dont have that either.It's amazing how similar..... things are in some people's lives. Since my divorce, I have never dated anyone because I am not comfortable with the whole online dating stuff. I went out a few times with a guy at work and I genuinely liked him and everything that he did/said made me feel that he liked me too. I am not looking for a marriage or moving in type of relationship, but definitely a nice relationship with someone who you can relate to and relax with. After we went out a couple of times, I asked him what he felt for me and he said though he likes me a lot, he never had any intentions of taking it beyond friendship. I found it vague because I dont go around feeling what I felt for him for "friends" We have not talked since he said that......it's crazy that people can be in their 30s or 40s, divorced, with kids and still think they want to go around just "checking" people out!! Not sure if they are weird or people like us are

quickblade14
Well, if you're 20 something and want to skip the "checking out" phase and jump right into commitment and marriage and you don't have kids - fine. It's called "learn the hard way".But if you have kids - you better seriously learn how to date, it's an adult sport and activity, don't involve your child, allow it to expand your interests and horizons......before thinking any many who's willing to spend a little time with you - is ready to take on a lifetime of responsility with you. when that "learning the hard way" lesson hits - it'll you much harder, as you now have a child.

orvilleoverall
Happy...I don't know if they are weird but they just don't have an understanding. I really think it's a question of maturity or experience. They don't have the perspective of a single parent. Maybe that guy you dated never had as serious a relationship as you did in your life. There is no way I could "play the field" or "be friends" now. My time is too precious. Just wait until you pass 50 and find yourself in this position. I probably have a better chance of being hit by lightning than finding "the one". I just don't have time to be tasered.

Happy-At-Last
Quickblade.....I agree with you. Having a child who means everything to me is probably why I am not into this whole "online" dating thing. It makes me nervous to go out with people I dont know. They could be freaks!! That is one of the reasons I went out with this guy at work because I had seen him around for many years, though I did not "know" him as such. Again, it was not a big deal going out with a co-worker because we have 1000s of employees here and we will never run into each other since we dont work together. Orville....this guy at work had been married for 10+ years and has a child as well. I would never ever go out with someone who's never married or does not have a child. I strongly believe that if one is not a parent himself, he will never understand what it is to be a single parent and how hard stuff can get with schedules and also when the other parent is actively involved in the child's life. I agree with you.....it has a lot to do with the maturity level and really knowing what one wants in life.

PNW_Woman
Happy, Sounds like that guy you went out with from work had problems. Really, after dating you, he tells you that he just had friendship in mind. I guess he was feeling insecure about himself and wanted affirmation that he could still "attract chicks". That's his problem, not yours. I would still recomend online dating for you, but you should put in your profile that you have a child, so that men who are not interested in dating single mothers will not waste your time. And maybe online dating will be easier on you: you don't have to meet a lot of potential freaks in one week, probably week after week. You only get to meet interested men whenever you're free. I have a friend who's single, no kids, and she get to date A LOT. Every single day she has two back-to-back dates lined up. But she's disappointed in them. Now she stopped online dating and is enjoying her hobbies and activities and spending more time with friends.

quickblade14
IMO, dating is about the moment - it's fun, sex if agreed to, companionship, shared events and excitement but it's all about the right here, right now. Yes, you can and should evalute their character based on their actions while with you - but you can't sit there trying to "make a future happen". Evaluate if they're worth considering having a future with.....then let things evolve on thier own.People who date to find a partner......vs. date to date.......I'd still approach it the same way. I want to enjoy what is, while learning about who you are, and if we share enough commonalities of lifestyle and values, we'll see where it goes.It's just that people with children already present, and with careers or other professional obligations to keep the bills paid are giong to have less "time" to date.But it's still about numbers...the more people you date the better the chances are of finding someone that suits your style, shares your values, that you enjoy.The less you date, the more you attach and involve in "this person" - and you begin to try to figure out "how to work who you are in around them"....that's the problem.