1st call & TMI , now I want to cancel the date...

1st call & TMI , now I want to cancel the date...

honeyfitz
I met a man on POF, and after emailing a few times he asked me out for tomorrow night. I accepted. Last night we spoke on the phone for the first time to confirm the details. It wasn't so much as a conversation as a running monologue on his part. He told me everything about his life. Frankly a lot of it made me very uncomfortable. After what he told me last night, I see no future with this man and do not want to keep this date for tomorrow. Since our conversation ended he has sent me 3 emails saying how excited he is about our date. I don’t know what to do. Do I cancel now save us both the trouble. (we each have an hour drive to meet in the middle) or do I keep the date, make it brief, go dutch and tell him after that there was no chemistry? I don’t like hurting peoples feelings, any advice would be appreciated

nerdo
I acceptedIMO, you already accepted. You should at least do the first date, maybe he was just nervous to talk to you for the first time.Frankly a lot of it made me very uncomfortable. UNLESS, you think he is a stalker type...what did he say that made you so uncomfortable?

honeyfitz
He mentioned his gambling addiction, the time he spent in jail, the large financial debt he has....things along those lines

Kendra_is_Kendra
Well, I think you've discovered why he's single. Some people are single because they just are right now. Others are single because they do stupid things like this and sabotage themselves all the time.I would not keep the date. You no longer want to go and if you don't want to, why should you? This is not an obligation to visit your cantankerous great aunt in the hospital, this is your social life. It's supposed to be fun, not make you uncomfortable.There are a couple ways you could approach this, depending on how direct you want to be:Personally, I would email him and be direct, but kind. I'd tell him that you like to take your time getting to know someone, but his speed of creating intimacy is way too fast for your liking. It made you uncomfortable and you would like to cancel the date. Wish him luck in the future and then end the email.ORYou could say that from the conversation over the phone you didn't feel enough of a connection or chemistry to want to meet or make the long trip.ORYou could say upon further thought you realize that two hours apart is too much distance and you'd like to look for someone closer to home. Depends on what sort of person you are and if you value helping him learn from his error, or value a vague tactful response or if a white lie to spare his feelings is more your style.

Danger Russ
He mentioned his gambling addiction, the time he spent in jail, the large financial debt he has....things along those linesTell him that stuff creeps you out and you're not going. Case closed.

Kendra_is_Kendra
He mentioned his gambling addiction, the time he spent in jail, the large financial debt he has....things along those linesReading this, I'd actually go with number 2 or 3. Knowing he has all these problems, it's better (for his date's sake, certainly not for him) to tell women he likes all this so they can reject him early like you just have, rather than find out later when they give a damn.

nerdo
Oh wow, that is uncomfortable!For me, the "jail time" would be the deal breaker. Based on that statement alone, I would politely decline with one of Kendra's ideas.

Oh Kay
Cancel. Why drive that far to meet someone you have no interest in. Don't worry about being polite or hurting his feelings, he's not your responsibility.

justalittletease
If your not comfortable, and you don't think I will work, why waste each others time??? When, maybe, he could find his savior...there are woman out there that believe they can save someone from these types of things...he needs to find one of them, it will give her a project!

honeyfitz
I use to be that "project girl" and I am trying really hard to change my dating pattern. Which is one reason I feel really bad about this. It really was an awkward conversation. His parents are miserably married to each other, His 3 siblings are all divorced due to substance abuse problems, his father is an alcoholic who beat them as children, he cheated on his (now ex) wife… Kendra, great advice. I think I will try one of those!

Oh Kay
It really was an awkward conversation. His parents are miserably married to each other, His 3 siblings are all divorced due to substance abuse problems, his father is an alcoholic who beat them as children, he cheated on his (now ex) wife…OMG! This man needs therapy, not a date.

sweetlove79
I agree with kay. Maybe a little white lie to spare his feelings, but if you want to help this guy, honesty is the best policy. Maybe he has no idea how icky he can make women feel, and without a rude awakening he might go on in this rut for a real long sad lonely time.

justalittletease
OMG! This man needs therapy, not a date.I actually agree with Kay...

Oh Kay
I actually agree with Kay... EVERYBODY DUCK, I'M SURE THERE'S GOING TO BE LIGHTENING OR A FLOOD OR SOMETHING! LOL!!!

justalittletease
LOL! Kay, I am sure we would agree on some things, I am actually pretty conservative!!!

Oh Kay
I was thinking this morning how incredibly conservative my parents were. I was quite the wild child but have grown into a pretty conservative adult.

Guuuut
As usual Kendra hits the nail on the head, BUT he's the ultimate "bad boy", think of the drama, the excitement, the intrigue; how can you pass all this up? Just imagine standing at the **** table with you on his arm while he rolls double snake eyes and the house erupts in applause!!

Savoir Faire
I don’t know what to do. Do I cancel now save us both the trouble. (we each have an hour drive to meet in the middle) or do I keep the date, make it brief, go dutch and tell him after that there was no chemistry?I never setup a date or first meeting, without spending some time talking to the woman on the phone. I understand your problem, but have no answers.

Savoir Faire
As usual Kendra hits the nail on the head, BUT he's the ultimate "bad boy", think of the drama, the excitement, the intrigue; how can you pass all this up? Just imagine standing at the **** table with you on his arm while he rolls double snake eyes and the house erupts in applause!!Think of how many average looking, decent, nice men have contacted her on that site, and she declined.

honeyfitz
I have no interest in the bad boy. While you paint a nice picture you left out the fact that he is probably drunk, hitting on other women and gambling with my money!! Actually I answer everyone who contacts me, give everyone the benefit of the doubt. This guy just has too many issues for me. I want nice, decent and stable!

Danger Russ
Think of how many average looking, decent, nice men have contacted her on that site, and she declined.Yes, let's all bow our heads and take a moment of silence to think about all of those less fortunate men who have lost the game.

Socal1962
He mentioned his gambling addiction, the time he spent in jail, the large financial debt he has....things along those linesYikes, cancel.

Oh Kay
Yes, let's all bow our heads and take a moment to silence to think about all of those less fortunate men who have lost the game. (that was as close as I could get in emoticons)

Unlikely Unicorn
Whoa...OP...you definitely need to cancel this date. The guy is practically waving a gigantic scarlet banner screaming "Look at me. I'm a loser who will do my best to ruin your life!" Talk about red flags - sheesh!

Oh Kay
She should've called this thread "Just Enough Information & Just in the Nick of Time".

finally_happy
I would consider myself lucky that he exposed all of that very early on and call it quits. And run. He may very well be a nice guy, but it really doesn't seem like he's making great efforts to change - just expose. My suggestion would be to email him, to avoid the personal confrontation/rejection part of it (either over the phone or face-to-face) and just cut off all contact. Make it very clear that you aren't interesting, and if he emails or calls again, ignore him. You have no responsibility to be nice or accommodating to this man or his TMI.

Unlikely Unicorn
Yes, and I agree with Kendra about not telling him exactly why you are cancelling. DON'T tell him the reason you changed your mind is because of his confessions. Other women need this information, too, when he moves on to the next victim...er...potential romantic interest.

honeyfitz
Thanks everyonehe wrote me another email, and responded that based on our conversation I thought we were just too different and didn't really see this going anywhere, I thought it best if we didn't meet tomorrow. I wished him luck and signed off. I feel bad..rejecting someone is a horrible feeling!

Oh Kay
I feel bad..rejecting someone is a horrible feeling!You should be doing a happy dance, you just got yourself out of what could've been a total disaster.

Guuuut
While you paint a nice picture you left out the fact that he is probably drunk, hitting on other women and gambling with my money!!But that's the best part!!! Nothing dull or boring there.

Kendra_is_Kendra
I feel bad..rejecting someone is a horrible feeling!It can be, but think of it this way, better to be rejected before meeting than after. It always sucks worse when someone doesn't want you after meeting you, which is what would have happened to him.I think he's a loser and is bound to be rejected all over god's green earth, but don't feel bad about it. If he were not such a ****, you'd have wanted to meet him. It's really his own doing for sucking, not yours for having good standards.

Guuuut
I think he's a loser and is bound to be rejected all over god's green earthNo, no, he just needs to improve his marketing plan. There's a woman out there just for him, many in fact, he's a nice project.

Danger Russ
Ex-cons don't get their 'feelings hurt.'

Unlikely Unicorn
I feel bad..rejecting someone is a horrible feeling!Don't. You dodged the bullet with this guy!

Socal1962
****Is that Canadian for A$$hat?

Springfoam
I would keep the date. One conversation does not reveal much since we are complex human beings. I say give him another chance.