firstdatemaker.com
Start Dating and get into a relationship
- First Date
- Blind Date
- Date Idea
- Online Dating
- Dating Services
- Dating Advice
- Dating Personals
- Teen Dating
- Alternative Dating
- Romantic Date
- Advice to get Second Date
- Asking Someone Out
- Dinner and a Movie
- Dressing Appropriately for your Date
- Handy Hints for a Successful Blind Date
- How to Impress Your Date
- How to Select Good Date Movies
- Making Conversation on a Date
- The Kiss Goodnight
- Double Date
- Tips for Unique Date Ideas
Advice on non supportive friends
hammer01
Been a lurker for awhile, need some contructive advice. My girlfriend and I are 27 & 29 repectively, both with decent jobs and both fairly level headed. We have known each other for 3 months through mutual friends and have been "dating" for 2 months. We clicked immediately, we get along great and are in all likelihood in love. Both of us are busy with work and other things and see each other 3 - 4 times a week on a good week. The problem isn't with us, while we have both started to discuss and think of a future life together and talk about what it's going to be like in a couple of years with us, we remain grounded in the present learning more about each other and strenthening our current relationship so we can get to that future. Have we gone through hard times yet, no, have we had an argument, yes and it was resolved postively and quickily. Her family loves me and my family adores her. Our problem is that some, not all of our friends are not so supportive. Some friends have stated that we spend too much time together, that we shouldn't put our eggs in one basket, it's too soon to be exclusive etc... This coming from the same people that when we first got together said we were a great match and don't know why they didn't introduce us before we met on our own, noone set us up we were just happened to be at the same place at the same time and struck up a conversation. Don't get me wrong there are a bunch of people that are very happy for us and think we are great together and are very happy we both consider oursselves to be in love. We are not getting married in the near future or moving in together any time soon. My question is why would people who were so happy at the onset can turn so quickily and start making snide comments? How do you deal with it? Can you change their minds? Does it matter? Any advice?
trudyML
Some people are just unhappy in my opinion and like to take swipes at others happiness. Why surround yourself with the negativity. Move away from the negative bunch. Good luck with her!
Smurfy1513
Don't worry about what other people think. If your happy and she's happy thats all that matters
hammer01
That's whats weird they are usually very positive friends and have been in the picture for a long time and it is neitheir one of our desires to even come close to cut anybody out. They are important parts of our lives, is it practical to bring the subject up with them?
quickblade14
You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You might look at your past - and her past - and see if in the past in most situations of every type you've both been this level headed, thinking rationally and with goal focus, and proactive and self-responsible. If not, your friends and/or her friends would know at least one of you as emotionally driven...which usually creates destructive situations.Infatuation is the first3-6 months of dating. It's your attention to me, desire for me makes me feel so great about me, I can't get enough of you. I'm a huge fan of reveling in the giddy high of infatuation - without thinking that during that period you can really discuss, judge or assess the other person objectively....you're just over the top about the prospects in your life, and the feelings in yor world, as a result of this person in your present.The families like each of you because "you're making my chld happy right now" - realize that again is not them knowing that individual and admiring and respecting their character and intelligence, it's enjoying them because of hte positive change for "my child" that you bring to the present.Exclusive can be about dating as an activity, sex as an activity - exclusivity isn't commitment.Again, it seems you've both got good heads on your shoulders. You're enjoying what you have, apparently goig to spend a significant amount of months or year or more getting to know one aonther, involve with each other, before becoming intertwined and comingled with one another. You're not making a committment to commit, yuo're both simply committed to exploring the possibility of committment with one another.Do pay heed, if the friends you're referring to are in great number, and you respect and admire them as individuals, pull them aside specifically and ask what concerns them. What you're getting is general concerns and statements based on socially and politically correct answers. It is very possible there is something about this person you do not know, as a past pattern of action, that these people have been privy to and are attempting to warn you about, without coming outright in her presence and stating it.
FNW
Who cares. Let it go and just be happy. Focus on what you and your girlfriend say and want, not what they say and want. There's only room in a relationship for two. Keep it that way.
hammer01
Well I am impressed by the advice so far. We are actually both counselors, we are aware of the whole infactuation stage. And it's not people in great numbers, the majority of people are very happy for us. And I just want to get across with the people who are doubting us that we are going at a good pace and that we are very happy together. We have both been very open about our past. We are not a "drama" couple. We want to approach the subject, but neitheir one of us counsels couples or on relationships so I am looking for someone with experience with this!
SultryD
More than likely these pessimistic "friends" of yours are jealous, hating, miserable..just ignore them.
quickblade14
Look at the people who are expressing doubts. Are those people's lives and lifestyle what you consider successful - and strive to imitate as a status quo?if not, disregard them.....their life experiences are causing their concerns, not your behaviors.It's that you and they do not share values ands standards and priorities - as evidenced by different lifestyles and pursuits and success rates - that has them viewing what you're doing as negative.To them it is- to you it's not.
Kendra_is_Kendra
Unsupportive friends suck. They just do. I'd spend less time with them whenever possible and completely stop talking about my relationship in any capacity to them. If they insist on giving you an unsolicited opinion you can give them the hint by saying something like, "I'm aware of your feelings. So anyway, how about... *insert some other topic here*" Or if they still continue and you're feeling brave, just look at them and don't respond. Seriously, this gets the points across and it's not rude.
Feisty Eire
My laptop has a 'tude this morning, so I'm finally able to slide in and say enjoy yourselves and the ride, it sounds to me that your 'friends' are speaking from their own pain, and not w/ a genuinely unbiased positive "I/we're happy for you two" statement. As stated, ask them straight out, "Is there a specific reason you're saying that?" If you don't care, and feel you have an open comm. line between the two of you, then, just forget about it. Some people live and breathe on drama, & love to create it, AND LOVE to be the one who get's to say, "I told ya so!" Those are the kind that you obviously have as little contact with as possible!! Slan~
hammer01
UPDATE: We have actually narrowed it down to one person and decided to cut her out of our lives for awhile until she gets the picture.
Aaryn S Gray
That sounds very wise. It sounds like she was jealous - and the thing about jealousy is that sometimes, people, especially women, aren't even aware that they are being this way, because they try to rationalize it out of their system. Being a 'jealous' girl is a social moray, so it would make sense that she would try to cover it up, to her best ability.
TamMathis
If you are both councilors then see it for what it is. Jealousy edited to say:Sorry Aaryn didn't mean to step on your advise toes. Now I'm kinda jealous.
sweetlove79
99.9 percent of the time the jealous party does not know they are behaving that way. it is instinctual. give them a chance.
PNW_Woman
I wouldn't think too much about it. Just focus on your relationship, but do make some time to see your friends every once in a while. From my experience with observing people, the same people who hem and haw about your being "lost in a relationship" are also the ones who are quick to disappear when they themselves are involved in a happy relationship. Like that one friend who's having a problem with your relationship. Is she single now? Just set her up with someone, and if it clicks between them, she may disappear on you, giving excuses like "Oh, but we're in love!"
gommage
Would it hurt to give it more time? I don't think they are jealous because your statements seem inconsistent...Are you giving all the facts?They were supportive, and you call them your friends....Now they disagree....I would ask for more reasons. If you write it off to jealousy, you build up a wall and you appear to be strong in the face of all of these unwarranted haters. I doubt it. It may not even be as serious as you are taking it...It may just seem threatening to you because it is not necessarily in "full" support of you.
Aaryn S Gray
That sounds very wise. It sounds like she was jealous - and the thing about jealousy is that sometimes, people, especially women, aren't even aware that they are being this way, because they try to rationalize it out of their system. Being a 'jealous' girl is a social moray, so it would make sense that she would try to cover it up, to her best ability.
TamMathis
If you are both councilors then see it for what it is. Jealousy edited to say:Sorry Aaryn didn't mean to step on your advise toes. Now I'm kinda jealous.
sweetlove79
99.9 percent of the time the jealous party does not know they are behaving that way. it is instinctual. give them a chance.
PNW_Woman
I wouldn't think too much about it. Just focus on your relationship, but do make some time to see your friends every once in a while. From my experience with observing people, the same people who hem and haw about your being "lost in a relationship" are also the ones who are quick to disappear when they themselves are involved in a happy relationship. Like that one friend who's having a problem with your relationship. Is she single now? Just set her up with someone, and if it clicks between them, she may disappear on you, giving excuses like "Oh, but we're in love!"
gommage
Would it hurt to give it more time? I don't think they are jealous because your statements seem inconsistent...Are you giving all the facts?They were supportive, and you call them your friends....Now they disagree....I would ask for more reasons. If you write it off to jealousy, you build up a wall and you appear to be strong in the face of all of these unwarranted haters. I doubt it. It may not even be as serious as you are taking it...It may just seem threatening to you because it is not necessarily in "full" support of you.