Am I a Bad bf?

bmx 2100
Me and my gf have been dating for quite a few months now. This has turned into my longest and most serious relationship. I really love this girl and do want to be with her for the rest of my life. But at times we really split hairs. Usually over things like spending time together. I'll admit most of the time I start the fights cause I get real infuriated and its the only way I can get thru to her. I do first try calmly but she never lets me get a word out, so I yell over her to get my part. It gets her upset and I apologize every time. That's my bad and I know it. Though every time something is wrong, she will either not say anything at all or I will have to pry it out of her. She tells me I need to be patient and give her time to talk. Other times she waits until I am leaving. Every time something is wrong she says I'm supposed know that there is something and what it is. Other times she just walks away, upset. Now in the beginning when this happened, I always followed her and tried to work it out. Then she started doing it every time, always expecting me to follow her and apologize for everything. Saying its what guys are supposed to do. Again, most of the time it was me who started a fight, but now everything has become my fault. Its my fault I chose a job that works late hours and sometimes cannot get to her house to see her. My fault my ex is harassing me cause I used to date her. Now there is the old knowing that you're not supposed to be friends with your ex's. This is not the one that is harassing me, but another ex that we dated briefly. Nothing serious and it ended. We became better friends and still are. Talk off and on every few months. My gf says its not right, and I should be thinking of her feelings and end the friendship. I understand where she's coming from but me and my ex have no plans/no feelings towards each other like that. And when I explain the friendship she just wont hear it. Am I wrong in my decision to stay friends? I just really need some help on my relationship. I know I am doing a lot of things wrong, but what can be done better?

-gypsy-
It's not fair to say you should "know" something is wrong, unless you are doing the same thing over and over, and she's already told you it makes her uncomfortable.Guys aren't "supposed" to do anything. The only thing that is "supposed" to happen is communication, and you two aren't doing it.How old are you two, and how long has this relationship been happening?

FNW
1) Stop yelling. At her, at yourself, at the dog. Just stop. No one...and I mean NO ONE...wants to be around someone who yells. Get anger management if you must, but just stop. 2) Learn to read your gf. Stop bugging her about "what's wrong". Just be calm, try to hold her, rub her feet, and when she's ready, she'll tell you. If you stop and pay more attention to her actions and how she reacts at certain things, chances are you will be able to figure out what is wrong with her without her having to tell her. But all that comes with time and patience. True, you're not a mindreader, and she should tell you if she is bothered by something. But if you hound her about it, it will only get worse. If she doesn't want to talk about it, leave her be. Eventually she will see that if she wants the problem resolved, she will need to speak up. 3) You feel it's okay to be friends with someone you had sex with, your gf does not. That's a big one...one that will probably not change. If you are unwilling to give up the ex, find a new girlfriend. This issue will always be present. Personally, I would not date a man who remained friends with any ex. But there are women who are okay with this. Perhaps you should find one of them. Good luck.

Tricia05
This is just my opinion I have a friend that is a real bitch and she does the same thing to her man. She is always acting like there is something wrong so she will get attention. She loves it when he begs her to tell him whats wrong and chases after her. She says that she does it to see if he cares. If she is just doing this to get your attention then no your not a bad bf and she need to grow up. But if you are really upsetting her all the time then you really need to go to her and tell her you want to talk without yelling and try to discuss some thing that you guys are not happy with and if she doesn't do this then again she needs to grow up. She also needs to realize that you have to work and she can not get mad at you for working. I could see her getting mad if you was going to the bar instead of spending time with her. So again this is just my opinion.

Oh Kay
Just be calm, try to hold her, rub her feet, and when she's ready, she'll tell you. LOL! Oh yeah....let's encourage the big cry baby. She needs to learn to either say what's wrong or give him a time frame of when she'll be ready. This pouting & walking away is childish & counter productive. You feel it's okay to be friends with someone you had sex with, your gf does not. where did he say that? This is not the one that is harassing me, but another ex that we dated briefly. Nothing serious and it ended. Stop yelling. At her, at yourself, at the dog. Just stop. No one...and I mean NO ONE...wants to be around someone who yells.I agree. Besides the fact that I learned the softer you talk, the softer they talk. They have to shut up to hear you. If she won't shut up long enough to let you talk, tell her you will discuss it when she's ready to have a conversation, not give a lecture.

FNW
where did he say that? Here (if they weren't "romantic" in some sense, they would not have been "dating" and his gf would not be upset about it): but another ex that we dated briefly. Nothing serious and it ended. We became better friends and still are. Talk off and on every few months. My gf says its not right, and I should be thinking of her feelings and end the friendship.LOL! Oh yeah....let's encourage the big cry baby. She needs to learn to either say what's wrong or give him a time frame of when she'll be readyI guess you missed the part where I wrote: If she doesn't want to talk about it, leave her be. Eventually she will see that if she wants the problem resolved, she will need to speak up. Really, try focusing on the OP instead of picking apart other's responses.

Kendra_is_Kendra
Well, I have a few opinions about this whole situation. One, I think you need to have a conversation with her about this, while you are calm and not in a fight. I would tell her that when she walks away upset instead of talking to you, it makes you feel bad about the relationship. Tell her you'll talk about whatever is on her mind, but that this way of dealing with conflict isn't working for you and you want the two of you to communicate better. Tell her that even though you know it's what she thinks guys are supposed to do, it makes you unhappy and you have to stop.Two, Tell her another thing that has been making you feel bad is that you feel like she thinks all the problems are your fault and it's bringing you down.I'm assuming that because you always feel she's putting you at fault, this is the reason you yell over her and escalate the argument. I would apologize for yelling and tell her you want to stop doing it, but that you are doing it because you don't feel like you're being heard or listened to. Tell her what she can do to make you feel like you're being heard.Third, and this is a problem... friends with exes. You're not doing anything wrong. However, your gf is entirely allowed to feel the way she feels, to a point.There are very many people who are uncomfortable with their SO being friends with an ex. There is nothing unnatural about that. However, her stance on this: its not right, and I should be thinking of her feelings and end the friendship.is not appropriate. You are not obligated to end any friendships. No one can ask that of you because it isn't fair. So since you are keeping this friend and have no cut ties with her, I'm assuming that you aren't willing to do so. I mean, you would have done it by now if you were. And I think you'd feel resentful if you felt like you had to.So she needs to make a choice. Does she accept your life, as it is: late-night job, friend with the ex... or not. There are some things you do need to change, but it's not all on you. Her part in this is that she is trying to change you and that needs to stop. This isn't all your fault. It takes two to tango, as my mom always said.

FNW
Well said, Kendra.

Kendra_is_Kendra
Besides the fact that I learned the softer you talk, the softer they talk. They have to shut up to hear you. This is so true.

Oh Kay
Here (if they weren't "romantic" in some sense, they would not have been "dating" and his gf would not be upset about it):Nothing serious and it ended.I guess then you're wrong about the whole dating/relationship thing. I'm not romantic with everyone I date. I'm at work, unlike some of you I don't have the time to go through the OP's post word for word & respond to each point. It's easier for me to read it, find the points I agree with & don't agree with as I go through the responses already there. I won't tell you what to do, you try to do the same, ok?

FNW
I won't tell you what to do, you try to do the same, ok? Agreed. It's just exhausting to have to defend myself and my opinions. We're each entitled to them. We both should just let that be. And yeah, I've been hormonal. I had another miscarriage. Please try to tread lightly.

Kendra_is_Kendra
I had another miscarriage. I'm very sorry to hear that.

FNW
Thanks Kendra. It sucks, but at least this time it was earlier and I didn't "feel" prego so it's not as devastating. Or I'm just getting used to it. OP, I think what we're trying to say is you need to work on your yelling, and she needs to grow up and stop playing games with you. You do sound like a mature guy, coming here and asking for advice, admitting your faults, etc. I hope your GF can rise to the challenge and do the same for you. Good luck and take care!

noquisi
The both of you don't know how to communicate. You get frustrated and yell (which you can see doesn't help the situation), while she chooses to exhibit displeasure by walking away opposed to speaking (another poor way of handling any situation).One thing is to develop a rhythm with one another and become in tuned. Its completely different to expect someone to know what the other person is thinking. This is a pattern that you also enable. You apologize when you are wrong, otherwise the apologies carry no weight and now of course, she allows you to accept the blame on everything. You created that scenario. Now, she's going to get twisted because you are changing that behavior. Start talking real with this girl. If the both of you want to be in a grown up relationship, those behaviors are going to get you both nowhere fast. Relationships are based on communication, trust, understanding, and love. When one of those falter the relationship goes downhill.

PrometheusReborn
people should read more.

Baby_Gurl07
get rid of the ex. shes a sneaky one.. trying to ruin your relationship by the harrassing. watch out for her. seriously u may think shes your friend but shes sneaky.

pinstripe
You are not obligated to end any friendships. No one can ask that of you because it isn't fair. So since you are keeping this friend and have no cut ties with her, I'm assuming that you aren't willing to do so. I mean, you would have done it by now if you were. And I think you'd feel resentful if you felt like you had to. So she needs to make a choice. Does she accept your life, as it is: late-night job, friend with the ex... or not. I completely agree with Kendra, this is a BIG deal to some people and often it becomes a deal breaker, she is uncomfortable with the fact that you are still in contact with an ex, and you don't want to cut ties. So, you need to decide whether this friend/ex is more important than your relationship, but as Kendra pointed out, it seems like you have already made your decision by not ending the friendship. Now, the ball is in your GF's court, she will have to decide if she is willing to accept that you will remain friends with your ex, if not, then she will have to find someone who shares the same views as her regarding this issue, and this person will not be you.

pinstripe
And yeah, I've been hormonal. I had another miscarriage. Please try to tread lightly.I'm so very sorry FNW.

FNW
I'm so very sorry FNW.Thanks. I'll be fine. I think we need to take a break from all that for awhile. Allow the hormones to adjust back. So we've decided to go to Paris in a couple weeks. Wine, pain au chocolate, and beautiful lights should help.

Que_Sera_118
So we've decided to go to Paris in a couple weeks.Have a FABULOUS time. If you want, I will "fill-in" for you on the boards while you're gone, I can practice my FNW: "Don't cohabitate before marriage""NEXT""Stop chasing him, he isn't interested""Opposite sex friends are a bad idea""Well, if that works for YOU fine, but he isn't going to change" What do you think? (My attempt was really to make you laugh, not be mean)

pinstripe
"Don't cohabitate before marriage""NEXT""Stop chasing him, he isn't interested""Opposite sex friends are a bad idea""Well, if that works for YOU fine, but he isn't going to change"Those are all pretty valid points in my book, except for "Opposite sex friends are a bad idea," i'm sure FNW thinks that having acquaintances of the opposite sex are fine, just not close friends, but I could be wrong.

FNW
Thanks, Que_Sera118. It's nice to see I will be well-represented during my absence. LOL Actually, it's more like this: Don't cohabitate without firm marital plans (i.e., open discussion and absolute agreement on the subject) If you are okay with this, great. But if you're not, realize the situation will not change and you must either accept it happily or move on. and don't forget: Stop trying to force a relationship or change someone. Find someone who is acceptable "as is." The others were spot on.

Oh Kay
And yeah, I've been hormonal. I had another miscarriage. Please try to tread lightly.I'm very, very sorry FNW. I'll back off & give you some breathing room. You know, I only pick on you because we have such different beliefs & you really defend yours well. If you were an idiot I wouldn't bother with you.

Oh Kay
"Don't cohabitate before marriage""NEXT""Stop chasing him, he isn't interested""Opposite sex friends are a bad idea""Well, if that works for YOU fine, but he isn't going to change"Well you succeeded in making me laugh.

kerplunkLYN
And yeah, I've been hormonal. I had another miscarriage. Please try to tread lightly. If you were an idiot I wouldn't bother with you. I would!

Oh Kay
I would! They wear me out. And, they're no fun....

Coool Dad
FNW sorry to here about your Miscarriage, . Have the Dr's given any reason/offered advise on the situation.

FNW
Thanks, Kay. We do have differing beliefs, but some similar ones as well. Glad I gave you a chuckle.

FNW
Dad, no, they're unexplained. We're going through IVF, and apparently it's not uncommon. Tests were run on the first one, and the chromos were fine. (It was a boy). This one was too early and is passing naturally.

pinstripe
(It was a boy). How devastating many many hugs to you Have a wonderful time In Paris, i'm sure it'll be spectacular and very romantic, take your mind off of the worries in your life you deserve this vacation!

FNW
Thanks, pin!

Oh Kay
Oh yeah...Paris! I think that's going to be awesome. Make sure you take your laptop so you can keep us updated daily. Hahahahahaha! No really, have a wonderful time.

FNW
Make sure you take your laptop so you can keep us updated daily. Good one! hahaha. Thanks. We're overdue for a vacation.

-gypsy-
Oh, geesh, I feel this big. I'm sorry FNW... I'll back off too. Have a good vacation, enjoy yourselves.