Am I old-fashioned, or am I simply off-kilter?

Am I old-fashioned, or am I simply off-kilter?

Mufstafa
Let's start w/ the basics: 1) I'm male2) I'm middle aged (in my mid-40's)3) I'm divorced (long story, not relevant here)4) I'm posting here because I want opinions from a wide array of people about the topic below. I believe that to be in a relationship, both parties have to give up their individuality and actively work on becoming a single unit - 2 halves of a single entity. To me, this means that both the male and the female give up the interests that they have that the other party doesn't (be it sports, high tea, poker night w/ the guys, girls day at the spa, etc). I look at relationships (well, the long-term, serious ones) as a significant comittment that takes the full time and attention of both people in order to succeed, and extrinsic interests that aren't shared communally pose an impediment to the development and maintanence of a relationship. Every time the guy goes out to watch the latest action flick w/ his buddies, he is taking time away from helping build the realtionship. Every time the girl has a "girls night out," she is similarly detracting from potential relationship-building time. It seems to me that having experiences outside of the relationship makes the relationship weaker, as both parties are pulled away from each other and towards whatever those other interests are. These experiences don't help the relationship b/c the other half of the relationship has no interest in the subject matter of the experience (or else he/she would have joined in). Of course, I believe that this cuts both ways - neither the male nor the female should engage in these activities.So what, do you guys (and gals) think?

kas628
What about being independent? Wow, to me that would be incredibly boring....to give up your life and become clones of each other, with the same interests, same hobbies. You gotta keep your individual lives, I think some things should be shared, but not everything. Being independent of each other keeps things interesting. I think your partner should without a doubt be the most important part of your life, but you still need other outside things. Just my opinion....

Mufstafa
Why would that be "boring"? Isn't that the point - spending time together should be "interesting," shouldn't it? If it gets "boring" haven't you picked the wrong person?

Oh Kay
It seems to me that having experiences outside of the relationship makes the relationship weaker, as both parties are pulled away from each other and towards whatever those other interests are. These experiences don't help the relationship b/c the other half of the relationship has no interest in the subject matter of the experience (or else he/she would have joined in).Having outside interests is what keeps a relationship from becoming boring. I know what "we" did everyday, I want to know what he did, and to tell him what I did. If I wanted to be attached at the hip with someone I'd have sewn someone on there a long time ago. I believe that to be in a relationship, both parties have to give up their individuality and actively work on becoming a single unit - 2 halves of a single entity. I think this is more desirable when you are joining together young & will be raising children together. Once that part is over, however, then what do you have? Two people staring at each other across the kitchen table. People need to have lives away from their SO's or one day there life will be the SO, and that's never a good thing. Boring!

DeliriouslyHappy
so youre saying that the traits and interests that attracted each person to each other in the first place, that led to falling in love, should be given up after your married...a lot of lurkers who are divorce attorneys and liking this concept in a big way...

Unlikely Unicorn
If your description is characteristic of the best/strongest relationships, then I think I'll pass. I don't want my SO to be myself. I want someone with their own interests. And IMO, love is about giving that person wings to be themselves, not clipping them in order to make them your shadow. Yuck.

kas628
I guess that is what I was saying about boring. If you spend ALL of your time together and do everything together, what in the world are you going to talk about? Outside interests are so essential, couldn't imagine giving up things that were important to me, nor could I imagine asking my guy to give up things that he values, to become one person in a relationship. I get including your partner on things you like to do and vice versa, but there also needs to be some separate time and interests.

DesiGal
Gosh.....Mufstafa....you sound like my Ex husband!! He was of the same opinion as you about relationships. According to him, couples are supposed to do everything together, including washing dishes to paying bills online!! I got married at 22, but by the time I was 30, this relationship suffocated me.I had a great job, a wonderful child, a husband, but NO LIFE of my own. I never took the time to make friends, go out with colleagues, did not have a hobby, I lost my identity. Now at 32, I am divorced, enjoy my time with my son, have a few close friends and finally have found a few things that I truly enjoy doing. I LOVE LIFE and have never been happier!!

Que_Sera_118
Your ideal relationship sounds smothering. I like having friends who I can do things with and interests that don't include my bf. I think I'd be rather boring if I didn't. I do believe when you are in a relationship, you do have less time to spend with friends or on outside interests, but they shouldn't be completely eliminated. I am my own person, and THAT'S the person he fell for. Being 1/2 of a person doesn't sound very appealing to me.

Mufstafa
People need to have lives away from their SO's or one day there life will be the SO, and that's never a good thing. I don't understand this. Why is it a bad thing to have your life revolve around your significant other? Why is it "good" to have a relationship where you and your significant other are 2 ships passing in the night -you meet up on occassion, but you are basically living your own life 90% of the time and just sleeping in the same bed as your "partner." Am I really the only person who sees a link between this sudden advent of "needing to be my own person" and the surge of divorces in the general population? Someone said that people fall for others who "are their own person" - but is that really true, or do people fall in love with the interests that are communally shared (in addition to any physical attraction which, again, is immaterial to the conversation)?

kerplunkLYN
Every time the guy goes out to watch the latest action flick w/ his buddies, he is taking time away from helping build the realtionship. Every time the girl has a "girls night out," she is similarly detracting from potential relationship-building time.Oh Christ. Bull ****. Listen, I've only loved two men in my life, but when either of them were here for more than 4 days, I would be ready to strangle them. I really love my freedom, and I don't even know if it's healthy to be in the type of relationship you're describing. Unless you're Lars, and you've found a real girl.

kerplunkLYN
Am I really the only person who sees a link between this sudden advent of "needing to be my own person" and the surge of divorces in the general population?Yes. Maybe you should consult the link between interspousal homicide. PS: all signs point to off-kilter

PNW_Woman
Am I really the only person who sees a link between this sudden advent of "needing to be my own person" and the surge of divorces in the general population? In our grandparents' and parents' time husbands and wives did not spend too much time together. The men worked in their jobs, and the women stayed home raising kids, doing housework, etc. Very little time was spent between husbands and wives, and people still stayed married for decades, whether those marriages were happy or not. I don't know where you get this idea that a couple should be spending 100% time, 24/7 with each other. Nobody can be that interesting enough to hold your interest 24/7! Sure, you can always find a woman who's willing to be your 24/7 shadow, but you may not find her interesting in the long haul (and vice versa). Sure, you can throw your hands up, shrug and say that you picked the wrong person, and break up with her, and move on to next, but still the next woman that you spend 24/7 with will not hold your interest for the long haul, and so on... Men and women (and even different men and women) usually have different interests. It's just what it is, how it is. Besides, why should people ditch their friends and hobbies once they belong in a relationship? How can that be possible? If a person had a life before his/her relationship, why should it be censored and stunted once he/she are in a relationship? Sounds rather boring and stifling to me.

Guuuut
It sounds like you have control issues and you are using "togetherness" as a means to control the other person. A strong relationship encourages outside interests, activities and growth and the relationship grows with the individuals.

DesiGal
Guuuuut.....Guuuuut....Guuuut!! How come you are so smart??What is you said is VERY true. What the OP is trying to be is controlling!!When I was still trying to make up my mind if I should leave my Ex, and was in my attorney's office one day, he introduced to me to one of his friends, who had stopped by his office. She was a director of a local woman's shelter. I started talking to her and told her everything about my relationship with my Ex. She used just one word.....she said, he's very controlling in the name of love. It will only get worse.....leave him NOW!!

mr.mr.
P. S: all signs point to off-kilterDitto

jstmeand3
Sorry - 100% togetherness is not a relationship, it is co-dependence! And since when did having a hobby outside of your SO's interest mean that you will become "2 ships passing in the night"? "Controlling freak" are the words that comes to mind - yeah harsh, but true!

DoraThe Explorer
I think we all know why you are divorced.

Socal1962
To me, this means that both the male and the female give up the interests that they have that the other party doesn't Yeah, your kilter is way off ===========>

PrometheusReborn
why can't you be both.

Guuuut
Now, now, let's not be mean. Personally I like to stand in the middle and have my woman circle around me, that way I know I'm the center of her Universe.

DesiGal
hahahahha....i almost fell off my chair laughing at Guuuut's statement. Is that what your wife does Guuut?And I don't think we need to be nice to the OP. He's demented and his expectations are unrealistic.

tmom628
controlling is the word that needs to be used here. Your thoughts that neither person should have outside interests means that neither brings anything to the relationship, and like a plant that can have no sun, the relationship is destined to kill itself. The only reason for wanting to be the other person's whole world, and them yours can only mean that you are afraid of what the world will show you. Are you, perhaps, afraid that if there are outside influences in your partner’s life, you will show as inadequate? If your self-esteem is that low, perhaps you should seek some counseling.

ChiliPod
my vote is for off-kilter.

PNW_Woman
Hey, let's give the OP credit for at least doubting his control-freak ideas. That's the first step he's taking, asking, "Am I off-kilter?" That's a great giant first step. Now it'll be easier for him to complete the remaining eleven steps...

DesiGal
Definition of "off-kilter" = a BIT askew I dont agree with this....he's VERY askew

Irish_Redhead
Mufstafa, lets put it this way. You meet a lovely lady, you date, you fall for her. You fall for a woman who has friends, activities, a book club, a volleyball night, a dinner with the girlfriends at their fave restaurants once a month. You fall for a woman with interests, something intelligent to say, and a life. When she falls for you, you want her to give up who she is to be with you? What about your friends? Your world series nights with the boys? Poker nights? Do you give up who you are to be with her? Don't you think that would make 2 incredibly bored people with nothing to discuss? There are compromises of course, activities that took 4 nights a week maybe should be curbed to 2 nights a week, but a person still needs to retain a bit of who they were before the partnership began.

quickblade14
I'd say you're pretty far out there - so far nobody's looking that far afield that's intelligent or proactive.

PNW_Woman
Guess what? He's gone now, searching for a woman that he can convert into his way or thinking and living...

Socal1962
We'll send her a burqa as a wedding gift.

Guuuut
We'll send her a burqa as a wedding gift.I need one of those for le spouse, got a URL to share??

PNW_Woman
Burqinis are sexier than burqas - check this out: http://www.dominicantoday.com/app/article.aspx?id=21441

Kendra_is_Kendra
Good grief. No reasonable person can handle that much togetherness. I mean, even those old fashioned couples he's speaking of, I know a few. One is struggling not to kill her husband since his retirement has him at home all day. The other spends tons of her time with her husband. They're both retired and they never spend a day apart. They have all the same friends. But she goes to church without him and she goes for walks in the morning with her sister. And she watches her favourite TV shows solo. He goes golfing in the mornings and on weekends.Who you are is precious and needs to be nurtured. The only person ever guaranteed to spend your entire life with you is yourself. Other people can leave or die. The best way to keep people you love in your life is to support them, nurture them, and give them freedom to be who they are. What you're suggested sounds like a suffocation. And PS, you say your divorce is irrelevant to this discussion. Based on what you've expressed here, I beg to differ.

DesiGal
hahhaha....the Burqini!! WOW, had never heard of these.

Kendra_is_Kendra
hahhaha....the Burqini!! WOW, had never heard of these. I've seen quite a few of them this Summer. There's a water park in TO and the city has an incredibly diverse population. There were a number of muslim women running around in them. Pretty fantastic idea, I thought. Those poor girls and women before were stuck not being allowed to swim while their husbands, sons and brothers got to play. Hehe, now they follow the rules, get to swim, and there's not boo anyone can say about it, even if their shape is more discernable now.

Guuuut
Burqinis are sexier than burqas - check this out:Perfect, but where's the veil?