a phase or something else?

cws_reddy
My girlfriend of a year and a half dumped me a week ago because she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now - wants to be able to "live her own life" and "be stupid" and blah blah blah. The backstory to that is that this past summer (we're both actors which frankly's a recipe for disaster anyway but...) she went to a acting training thang in England and she kinda got used to the being on her own/doing whatever she wanted/not having to "answer" to me thing. I will say that I, in turn, made some mistakes by not calling her/writing her as much as i said she would so while she was there she felt like i didn't care anyway which wasnt true but... perception is reality. Anyway, so she comes back and wants those same things. At first she wanted to make it work with me but wanted me to give her space and just the idea of losing her unfortunately made me hang on tighter than before and so obviously what i wanted and what she wanted were working against each other.She's also incredibly busy right now acting in a show, designing costumes for another and there's a lot more and i know she's really stressed by that and the strain of our relationship was just too much. We broke up amicably enough because i really do understand that she needs some alone time to focus on what she needs to do and whatever else. Only thing is that honestly she was the best girl i've ever met. I was completely happy with her and she had been too till this summer.Obviously things are bad right now cuz it's only been a week and everyone says it'll get better and i know it will, but my question is (after all that freaking exposition)... i would love more than anything in the world to get back together with her now but i know thats impossible. So i would also love nothing more than to get back together SOMEDAY because even she said that we do just fit together and that we're good for each other and that this break up is more about not being with ANYONE than not being with ME. What do you all think? Is it just a phase I have to ride out? No? If it is how should I deal with it? Or should I just move on?Thanks

kerplunkLYN
Note to self: don't date actors.

Coool Dad
Histroia, hit the nail on the head, go out and enjoy yourself, and don't wait around for her. If the circumstance's come about at a later time for you to get back together then great, but I wouldn't put my life on hold waiting for them.

cws_reddy
oh so i forgot to mention one major aspect of everything...what complicates matters is that we HAVE to see each other almost on a daily basis because of work/being involved in the same show (i'm acting she's designing costumes) and we know that we HAVE to be able to work together as professionals so we're trying to be friends. Yeah... sucks. haha. and i have a mixed opinion on it... obviously people preach the no contact thing but if i interract with her in normal situations...whatever... eventually dont you think i'll get used to the normality? like... i've hung out with her a bit this past week and it's fine for the most part but there are those moments where i want to put my arm around her and i cant and thats obviously the hard part, but if i get used to just being around her in a friends capacity wont that make things better in the long run? as opposed to never seeing her but then when i do (out of necessity) having all the emotions come flooding back and making it harder to work together? tell me if i'm just being ignorant. lol.

Aaryn S Gray
wait it out. It's something girls have to do, and guys have to do. It sucks, but it builds character.

Guuuut
I would suggest you start dating really hot women and make sure they come to the shows! Life moves on, you can be a spectator or a participant (or an even better metaphor - you can be in the audience or you can be in the play). It may or may not work out with the ex in the long run, so move on in the meantime.

tmr_06
At first she wanted to make it work with me but wanted me to give her space and just the idea of losing her unfortunately made me hang on tighter than before Ummm, this IS your problem. Your girlfriend was saying she wanted to be with you, but experience a little independence. Did you verify that you respected her boundaries? Nope, ya kinda death-gripped her. Things might come back around, but I've had this happen to me before and it is the biggest turn-off, and really inconsiderate to her boundaries. "Let someone you love go, in time he/she will come back"

cws_reddy
oh yeah and that is SO easy.i mean that as respectfully as possible.

tmr_06
to give her a little breathing room? It should be, and I would hope that you would be confident enough in the relationship to do so.

cws_reddy
well obviously at that point i wasnt confident in the relationship cuz i felt like she was distancing herself from me. i feel it's pretty natural to get more attached when that happens... sorry for being normal.

tmr_06
no, it's normal when someone pulls away to want to cling on... it's just that usually (and i seriously am just trying to help you get a perspective kinda on what happened, because I've been a girl who's asked a guy to step back) because that person asked for distance, when he/she doesn't get it, he/she pulls away even more because they don't feel comfortable. (here to help ya, dude, not to make ya mad)

cws_reddy
no i know that... thanks, i appreciate it. it's just not as easy as you might think to give someone space when all you want is to be with them ya know?

tmr_06
I know because I've put a couple boyfriends through it. From experience, though, the ones that could actually give me space lasted longer than those that clung on. You guys seriously had/have a connection, though. Just a whim, but seriously try this. If it doesn't work, I don't know what I'm talking about... but it definitely might. Here goes... Swallow pride, if she picks up your calls still, give her one. Tell her that you understand that you were suffocating (even if it's not true, girls love to hear the apology). Say that you know you stepped on her boundaries, and that you are ready to have a relationship where she can feel free and do what she wants (in relationship to career, extra time, etc. not other men). Assure her that you see where you went wrong and that if she wants independence you are ready to be there for her and support exactly the space that she needs. If you can't do this, that's okay too because it takes swallowing pride. But done tactfully (trust me) it really should let her at least open herself up to the possibility of you two getting back together. NOT IN A SECOND, she's going to ponder it for a while. Don't harp her. Give her this one call, say where you went wrong and that you respect her. Otherwise, you guys will drift apart and not get back together (or that's what happens usually). Give her time to think about it. Don't demand getting back in a relationship, but reassure her that you will not be hovering/clinging and KEY WORD: say you are PROUD of her for being so independent. Say these things, and that's the best thing you can do to get the relationship back. Really, that is your chance... because I hate to be a pessimist, but after clinging to her... without reassurance she will move on.

Guuuut
In my experience when someone says they want space it means it's over. It's a variation of the old "it's not you, it's me" line.

tmr_06
ya but she didn't break up with him until after she said "give me space" and he basically said "no". Sometimes girls really do want some breathing room. I don't think all hope is lost.

Guuuut
It sounds like something you say when you feel guilty about breaking up with someone who you still like, just not enough. In general, people who want to be together, stay together.I buy into this theory. She discovered she could live without him while in Europe and now she wants to. The "space" issue is just an excuse to hedge one's bets, like for booty calls or companionship when wanted.

tmr_06
I'm guessing you are a guy (not a slight, just an observation). While sometimes, yes, that definitely means that and it really might here. Not saying it doesn't. The thing is that most girls use the "i want space" line when they are not planning on talking to the guy again. As she did this line when they were still dating and she was waiting for his reaction to it, it's not the same as the "it's not you, it's me". Trust me. She was waiting for him to give her some breathing room. When he didn't, she outed him. However (from a girl's perspective) it really isn't too late to rectify the situation (almost, but not quite yet).

cws_reddy
so what you've said makes a lot of sense... i might try it. thanks for your help. i really do appreciate it... i'm gonna think about it some more. do you think that this could just make things worse if she really DOES just want space? well i guess if i dont have her right now it really cant be worse... so yeah ok i'm gonna think about it but thanks so much for the suggestion. :)

guitar_guy_Dave
In general, people who want to be together, stay together.I think the *best* answers usually come in the first several responses...like this one. chief, you really need to look at the bright side...your match, your perfect woman, your soulmate, your whatever you call it would feel the same way about *you* in return. If she needs her space, let her have it, she may learn to appreciate what she's throwing away with you, or she may meet someone she feels more compatible with...be prepared for either extreme. remember: she may be doing *YOU* a favor by ending the relationship, so you can learn from this one and move on.

Guuuut
your match, your perfect woman, your soulmate, your whatever you call it would feel the same way about *you* in return. I agree, I think Historia nailed it.

cws_reddy
i do not buy that a "soulmate" never doubts.we're all human. my parents have been together almost 30 years and I know that things havent been buttercups and roses for all 30 of those years. relationships are hard and there is not ONE on earth that never has problems. I feel like thats the problem with our society - we all feel that if it's reall LOVE it'll be EASY. Well sorry but thats just not the case. Maybe it's that high expectation that leads to the high divorce rate these days, who knows.point is, i dont think that she CANT be the one for me because she wants some independence right now in her life. that being said, i still want to move on and get over her because that's what I need and that's what she needs to either realize she made the right decision or the wrong one. But lemme tell ya, this whole NC thing is friggin hard. Mornings like this it's all i want to do... ugh.

OCDB
Sounds like she wants to go places. Maybe you should want to go places to. Once you do you may find that where each of you want to go doesn't include the other.

cws_reddy
Could you possibly quit the production or find another one?unfortunately no, not only would that be utterly classless but the part i'm playing is the most challenging one i've ever had and i wouldnt say role of a lifetime but its up there.nah, i'm just gonna have to deal with seeing her quite a bit. it's gonna be rough but hey - acting's my job so i guess i'll just do it when i'm around her too. lol.i may end up seeing her today - not because i want to but out of necessity. if i do, i'll let you all know how that goes... but the plan is to NOT talk about us whatsoever.

Guuuut
Good luck. It's hard enough to give space when you don't see someone on a regular basis, but this will be tough. As you note this will be a good chance to perfect your acting skills.

cws_reddy
so i am going to see her this evening. she texted me and asked if i'd help her vocal coach a girl she's working with for a performance. i'm a singer and she knows that i'm pretty good at teaching the stuff. obviously she doesnt hate me and obviously (maybe) she kinda still doesn't mind having me around... i dunno. like i said i'm going to approach it professionally and nothing else. do my thing then leave - end of story. it'll be interesting though.

polythenepam
Life moves on, you can be a spectator or a participant (or an even better metaphor - you can be in the audience or you can be in the play). It may or may not work out with the ex in the long run, so move on in the meantime. Guut.... this was COOL. (newer to this thread. Have posted on the others. ) So, so true. CWS... keep it to the work related stuff best as you can. I don't envy you at all seeing her tonight. I don't and can't even think about seeing my ex. I just DO NOT know what I would do. Too many emotions. Glad I don't have to. And.. he won't and doesn't want to see me. Bummer that it is this way after 2.5 years. But, life is a constant show....

Viola
CWS, when my now husband of 10 years and I first started dating I'd been single and living alone for a few years and used to just being with myself. At first I felt kind of claustrophobic in the relationship and required more alone time than what he wanted to give. He grudgingly gave me my space but made it clear that it hurt him to think I didn't want to spend every free moment with him. I came to the conclusion after a short time that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We love each other very much. I hope it works out the way you want.

cws_reddy
Viola, thanks for your words - i appreciate them and they make me feel better about all this. :)i saw her tonight. it went fine, came in, did my thing, then left - even though she said it'd be ok to stay around a while.at one point also she asked me what i did yesterday (first day of NC) and told me what she did (go shopping, etc). I told her i hung out with a few of my friends and pretty much left it at that. I think it will be really interesting to see how she reacts to this NC thing after a few days/week(s)/etc... i feel like maybe there's hope but i still dont want to start thinking that too much so i'll keep plugging ahead with what i'm doing.

Viola
I think you're doing the right thing Sweets. It's hard I know. Don't be alone too much if you can. Good luck!

iceflower
Well i am going to tell you what i think of this... i think you need to be as natural and as casual as you can be, don't be impolite or try to make her jealous by dating other women (she'd see right through, it is too soon.) instead, just don't give her as much attention. listen if she talks to you, but don't offer information except if she asks. if you are in a group pay equally (or more) attention to the others. i am really curious how this turns out, to be honest, it sounds to me like she's playing mind games (yes women play those, but it's an easy game to play). first she didn't have enough of your attention, so she threatened, then she had too much of it and it became not interesting. so try giving her what she wants... distance (again, don't over do...she'll see right through.). let us know how it goes :)

cws_reddy
so then for instance if she writes on my facebook wall should i respond? even though i've got this NC thing i'm trying to pull off? What you're saying makes sense and i think that's a good way to approach it, but what about it these kinds of situations?after all these days a lot of stock is put into what happens on stupid facebook/myspace... lol

cws_reddy
ok... so let me know if this is truly terrible and devious and whatever...i wrote her a letter that i dont want to give her right now... too soon and as much as i dont think its super clingy/whatever - it probably is. it's basically a "last letter - i want you to know that i've learned from my mistakes but i'm moving on" type thing... in any case... i may not even send it to her at all but if i did... in two weeks she's going home to a wedding and would it be HORRIBLE of me to take advantage of the fact that she's going to be at a wedding by giving her the letter just before she leaves so that it's in her head while she's there so maybe she'll realize that's what she wants?how disgusting and pathetic and whatever else does this make me?

iceflower
hi :)right. so it's good that you wrote the letter because it probably helped you "unload" but i suggest you make sure she never never never gets to read it. writing her a letter, content irrelevant, under the circumstances would mean not giving her the space she requested (and also, the wedding thing wouldn't work). she writes you on myspace, asks for your help.... SHE is the one breaking things off and also the one not letting you be. answering her would be ok, just not right away and just remember to be very casual. she (women in general) doesnt want you to be needy/clingy so even if you are (just human) you cannot show her. avoid showing/talking about feelings, you need to be relaxed.