advice needed

gagurl3k
How much trust should you give your partner from the word go? Do you just hand it all to them and say heres my heart hope you don't break it or do you hold off alittle until they show you hey you can trust me with your heart? (which you may never get because youre holding back some of yourself)

Vertrauens_bruch
Well, the last relationship I had I totally trusted the guy. Even when it sounded kind of shady at times, however I also don't jump head first in a relationship. I did ask him on the first date if we were exclusive, only a fair question. I don't expect it to be, however if the guy tells me yes, than I like to keep it one on one. Anyways, caught him in bed with some ****...and the "complete trust" changed to "no trust". It has been hell for the past year while he mostly tried to keep it together, but I never really forgave him. Now he is out of my life, and I feel better. I really don't think you should worry about handing him your heart at the beginning of a relationship, it takes me a few month before I develop deep feelings for anybody, and by then you know how he feels about you....or in most case anyway...hmmmm I wonder if I actually helped you...

-gypsy-
I don't hand it all over... but there has to be some trust or what's the point? I tend to trust folks until proven untrustworthy. Has it got me hurt sometimes? Sure. Worth it anyway though.

Coool Dad
I'm allot like Gypsy, I give a certain amount of trust in the beginning it's only fair, after that I let the person prove themselves by their actions.

Lovely_98
I used to hand it all over right away...thinking that everyone should be trusted. After my last break-up, I smartened up! I give an amount that I am comfortable with, and it builds from there.

FNW
I never fully trusted anyone until meeting my husband. Things just clicked.

Unlikely Unicorn
I think anyone who has ever been hurt by someone automatically puts up defenses to protect themselves by withholding complete trust. But you have to give a little if you ever want a relationship because otherwise, the walls you have erected will keep you in and the other person out. It's hard not to do sometimes, but it's unfair to hold someone responsible for how another person treated you. You're really only cheating yourself. I think an approach into a relationship should be optimistically cautious.

quickblade14
Trusting someone to remain true to thier character is not "entrusting them with your fate".

SultryD
How much trust should you give your partner from the word go? Do you just hand it all to them and say heres my heart hope you don't break it or do you hold off alittle until they show you hey you can trust me with your heart?Yes. You hand them your trust because if you didn't then the relationship is doomed. You have to trust your partner 100%. At the same time, make your partner go that extra mile for you. Try to let them make all the effort, always, or as much as he/she can possible take. You have to keep the relationship 50/50 while trying to shift to 90/10 in your favor.

Guuuut
Sometimes a girl just has to trust her man for the relationship, to keep it going, to make it work. Men just don't know what they want and you guide them by your trust.

gagurl3k
Thanks for the advice everyoneI I really appreciate it. My significant other has recently done some uhh shady things (in my opinion- to this person they've done nothing wrong) and when I voiced my concern or opinion it's like it either gets turned around on me or just is thought of as no big deal. My SO just says he is here with me, comes home everynight and has said I shouldn't worry what goes on while working or visiting out of town because he don't want anyone else but me and that should be clear- but it isnt! Not really.

quickblade14
Values justify actions. When you think someone has "done something wrong" because they're doing whatyou'd never do - realize they're doing what they believe is right and their right - and you two don't share the same point of view or belief on this topic in general.

slinky9
My significant other has recently done some uhh shady things (in my opinion- to this person they've done nothing wrong) and when I voiced my concern or opinion it's like it either gets turned around on me or just is thought of as no big deal.RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG. This man is controlling and manipulative. Turning it around on you is a VERY bad sign of that. Sorry, but I think you are being taken advantage of here. My SO just says he is here with me, comes home everynight and has said I shouldn't worry what goes on while working or visiting out of town because he don't want anyone else but me and that should be clear- but it isnt! Not really. Translation: He wants to do what he wants, with whomever he wants, without having to be accountable to you. Now tell me this, are you normally suspicious or jealous ? Do you accuse him of having affairs ? Is he secretive to you ? Do you have valid reasons to think he's cheating ? What you describe above sounds like someone who is making excuses and blaming you when he is out doing things he shouldn't be in a committed relationship. But more information is needed to really determine that.

gsxr750
DTA= Don't trust anyone!! I don't trust any girl from around my town b/c their all filthy!

gagurl3k
Now tell me this, are you normally suspicious or jealous ? Do you accuse him of having affairs ? Is he secretive to you ? Do you have valid reasons to think he's cheating ? When we first started seeing each other no, not at all. I don't question every little thing he does, at all. He goes out of town almost every weekend without reguard to what I have planned (unless I put my foot down and say Hey- I need you to do this with me) He calls me frequently and tells me where he is staying and things like that. I am trying my best to be supportive in the activities he enjoys and not question his motives but I guess I am just being clingy or something for wanting him to WANT to spend more time with me. Is the saying true- if you go looking for trouble you find it (and even if it isnt something major you make it into something major- ya know making a mountian out of a mole hill?) I love this man and I want our relationship to work- but am I wrong for wanting him to put as much effort into it as I do?

quickblade14
You're not putting effort in....you're going with him when you want to do it. That's not sacrifice or effort - that's fun and entertainment.He's doing the same.

gagurl3k
You're not putting effort in....you're going with him when you want to do it. That's not sacrifice or effort - that's fun and entertainment.He's doing the same. Uhh..yea qb I do! He's bascially got it made! I don't get off work till late usually by the time I get home- he's asleep (naturally I don't expect him to wait up on me after he's worked all day). So I grab a shower and get his lunch ready for the next day and make sure everything is in order and then I go lay down next to him- usually he will wake up for a little bit and I'll rub his hands and back till we both fall asleep. He says we have vampire hours because I get home so late.And we only see each other then and its starting to feel like I never see him in the daylight. We really only do things HE wants to do rarely things I have planned (like I said unless it is something I REALLY express is important to me). But heres the deal- I do all of the above because I love him and I want him to be comfortable and happy. But whats bothering me is I make plans for us to do things together when I am off of work but most of the time something comes up and hes off somewhere else. I want to make him happy and I know everyone needs time away from their partner- but is it too much to ask for alittle of his attention? I mean yea we sleep next to each other every night but I'd like sometime that isn't just when our heads hit the pillow and we are both out for the count. Here's another question- advice needed on. .....I am fairly new to using my computer for anything but work. Recently, a friend of mine said she was on this dating site and sees my SO. She told me he hasnt logged in in awhile (like a month or 2 ago) but he is on there as being single and looking. Should I be concerned about this? We have been 'talking" for about 4 or 5 months; but serious for about 2. Is being a part of a singles dating site while you are comitted to someone considered cheating?

sweetlove79
Recently, a friend of mine said she was on this dating site and sees my SO. She told me he hasnt logged in in awhile (like a month or 2 ago) but he is on there as being single and looking. Should I be concerned about this? Not a good sign. Figure out how to log on, and dig deeper.

gagurl3k
I don't want to go snooping through his things- thats an invasion of his privacy. Right? I mean I wouldn't want someone to do that to me (however I have nothing like that to hide). And if I did that; how would I explain myself for my actions? I would just like him to delete the whole thing altogether but I don't know how to go about telling him it makes me feel uncomfortable; because the other day another friend of ours was looking at his myspace page and she got alittle nosy and looked at his friends list and there was a girl on there he sent a comment to that said something along the lines hey baby cant wait to see you. I asked him about this and his response was he calls everyone baby babydoll sweetheart or something like that and she is a friend of his and nothing more. (this message was left right before he and I became 'exclusive"). I wasn't accusing him of anything but I just asked if he saw her and didn't tell me about it. He never completely answered me. But he did get REALLY mad because she was "sticking her nose where it didn't belong".

quickblade14
Uhh..yea qb I do! He's bascially got it made! I don't get off work till late usually by the time I get home- he's asleep (naturally I don't expect him to wait up on me after he's worked all day). Not his fault or his problem, he's getting his sleep.So I grab a shower you'd have to do that in a relationship or not.and get his lunch ready for the next day that's you being his mommy by choice - it's not him standing over with a knife going to slice you up if you don't - so stop making his lunch, get more rest!and make sure everything is in order Okay, so you tidy thiings up becuase you want things neater than he wants them. He's not required to live up to your stnadard of neatness.....unions fall to the lowest standard between the parties in all situations. It'll always be messier than you want it to be, because he's messier than you are. and then I go lay down next to him- usually he will wake up for a little bit and I'll rub his hands and back till we both fall asleep.Again, you're opting to spend your sleeping hours in a mommy task of "putting him back to sleep" -your choice - live with the results. He says we have vampire hours because I get home so late.And we only see each other then and its starting to feel like I never see him in the daylight. Peopple that work opposing shifts, usually don't want lots of contact and interaction in a relationship.....long distance or "opposite shift" live-in relationships re like an "affair" - when you see one another it's all about "fun/excitemeent" - because you rarely see each other except passing in the hall or on the sly. We really only do things HE wants to do rarely things I have planned (like I said unless it is something I REALLY express is important to me).But, eh's not obligated ot do what you think is imortant to do - just becuase you do what he wants on other occasions. You're acting like "because I go where you want, you have to go where i want" - no, he doesn't. That's not the terms on which he got into this relationship. But heres the deal- I do all of the above because I love him and I want him to be comfortable and happy. Good, then you expect nothing in return, and if he's appreciative you're delighted...but if not, the "giving" to his comfort and happiness is your goal - and you're meeting that goal with your actions.But whats bothering me is I make plans for us to do things together when I am off of work but most of the time something comes up and hes off somewhere else. Doesn't sound as if you two have much in common in terms of interests, activities, involvements or friends. Sounds like a relationship where you meet for sex and breakfast on occasion and have the shared income and options of more money to spend as a unit. perhaps a more coomfortable lifestyle together, than either of you could have on your own. If he wnated a girlfriend that did what he did, or shared his interests, etc...he'd have found one. If you thought he didn't have things he was into, and obligations already - you were sadly mistaken.I want to make him happy and I know everyone needs time away from their partner- but is it too much to ask for alittle of his attention? Attention.....if you want his attention -QUIT PLANNING EVENTS TO SHARE. SEt up a regular date night a week, go on the date, and you'll get your attention. This guy sounds like he has lots of interests and hobbies an friends, you two don't work the same schedule......nd so him fitting in a girlfriend works, provided the girlfriend has her own friends and interests - because of the opposite shifts. Surely there is one night where when you get home, he's not having to go to work, or vice versa. There's got to be one 24 hour period - as you have no kids it doesn't matter what day of the week or wekeend.....that you two are both "off work" - plan a date for a specific time in that timeperiod....that way he can schedule his interests around it - you can do same.I mean yea we sleep next to each other every night but I'd like sometime that isn't just when our heads hit the pillow and we are both ou

b lunted
Clingy and insecure. And e-snooping on the myspace page. Not a good look.

noquisi
If you want to be in a loving relationship at some point you will have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. I know that sounds off the wall, but its true. You can be cautious. I think you learn to be that way after being hurt a few times. Its trying to strike a balance.

gagurl3k
Attention.....if you want his attention -QUIT PLANNING EVENTS TO SHARE. SEt up a regular date night a week, go on the date, and you'll get your attention. This guy sounds like he has lots of interests and hobbies an friends, you two don't work the same schedule......nd so him fitting in a girlfriend works, provided the girlfriend has her own friends and interests - because of the opposite shifts. Surely there is one night where when you get home, he's not having to go to work, or vice versa. There's got to be one 24 hour period - as you have no kids it doesn't matter what day of the week or wekeend.....that you two are both "off work" - plan a date for a specific time in that timeperiod....that way he can schedule his interests around it - you can do same. I DO that!!! but something seems like it always comes up with him- something better to do. As far as my work schedule I work in a hospital and I work 2nd shift. I have put in for a transfer I just havent gotten it yet. He wants me to change shifts. I know I do the mommy things for him but I do it because sometimes its little things like that that show you care more than saying it. I am not complaining about the things I do for him- because I do it because I want to. I should say I do have 2 children and during the week they stay with my mother at night because of my work schedule, during my nights off during the week my time is devoted to my kids- and he understands that. I guess the problem is when I am off. He wants us for formally move in with each other and I am still unsure about that. I know I love him and he says the same, but I think moving in with each other is a HUGE move. All of our worlds will take alot of adjusting because not only will I have a new house, I will be working a new shift where I am at home at night and then on top of that he wants to live with me. Plus my kids will have to adjust to having mom home and not grandma and then to add him to our new "life". He doesn't spend alot of time with me bacause of our conflicting schedules. He says he wants to change that but his actions never do. He also talks about going on vacation with me and my kids and things we will get to do when we are cohabiting. He knows my kids and they know him but they don't really spend time with him either because when I am off, I have my kids unless it falls on their dads family weekend and usually instead of hanging out with us he goes and does his own thing. I dont want to pressure him into being around my kids I believe he should do that on his own. Because he doesnt have kids and really has never dated anyone with kids. I just think that if he wants to live with us and we all share our lives together- hes got to get used to being around my kids alittle more. (I dont mean all the time or anything just get to know them alittle more). Also, I have a great job, I make good money and I can support myself comfortably without any help. I think it benefits him alittle more than me. We are total opposites; I was a cheerleader in high school, total goodie goodie. He on the other hand grew up listening to the dead and wsp moved around alot with his dad (a harley man). i am usually amazed when he talks about his life because it is so different than mine growing up. I have lived in the same small town for most of my life and like I said I was a goodie goodie never got suspended nothing. He on the other hand left school and went to job core. So obviously we have had different lifestyles. I think its interesting and it doesnt cause any problems. I am learning to like new things and he is getting a taste of someone actually being a little more responsible than what he is used to. He says he is tired of always moving and wants to settle down and stay with one person and in one place. We talk alot together about life in general when both of us do have time to sit down and be together. When we are together, we rarely have anything that is a major problem; I guess its more when we are apart that I start to question little things. Does that

gagurl3k
Clingy and insecure. And e-snooping on the myspace page. Not a good look. I am trying to NOT be either of those things- that's why I am asking advice here. I didn't snoop on his myspace at all and I didn't ask our mutual friend to either. But I will add he deleted the girl he sent the message to. And hid his friends list. I do not want to invade his privacy ever by snooping or going through his phone or anything. I know i have to open up and be vulnerable, and I am trying to let my guard down. I want to .... does that count- that I am trying?

Unlikely Unicorn
I've read your descriptions of the time you spend together, and I think he's more into the relationship for the sex and all those little mommie things you do for him. He talks about planning vacations with you and your kids, but he doesn't even follow through with them. He also doesn't spend a great deal of time around your kids. He probably thinks you're interesting because you're so different than him...but not enough to spend more quality time with you. You're the giver; he's the taker. He has what pleases him at this moment - sex when he wants it and someone to pack his lunch and clean up after him.

gagurl3k
I think he's more into the relationship for the sex and all those little mommie things you do for him. The funny thing is we only have sex MAYBE once a week if I am lucky! I mean its good so I don't complain about the frequency but he's into some things I am not (not quite legal)- and I am not one to tell someone how to live their life and as long as its not around my kids in my house or car I have no problem with his "hippie" lifestyle. I think though that between that and my work schedule makes having time for sex hard for us. I know I am the giver in the relationship, i usually am. Thats seems tobe the type of guy attract someone who needs me. So what do i do or say to him for him to want to spend more time with me?

Unlikely Unicorn
Just get a life. Find other interests that you enjoy that don't include him. That way, you won't obsesss about why he doesn't want to spend time with you because you are having too much fun without him. He will wonder about why you have suddenly lost your dependence on him to make you happy and will put in a little more effort to regain your favor.

gagurl3k
Here's another question- advice needed on. .....I am fairly new to using my computer for anything but work. Recently, a friend of mine said she was on this dating site and sees my SO. She told me he hasnt logged in in awhile (like a month or 2 ago) but he is on there as being single and looking. Should I be concerned about this? We have been 'talking" for about 4 or 5 months; but serious for about 2. Is being a part of a singles dating site while you are comitted to someone considered cheating?

gagurl3k
Thats what I've been working on and he called yesterday while I was at work and since I took sat off work (and my kids will be with the ex husbands parents) he wants us to go to six flags together.